So, I know that many of you may not share my OVERWHELMING enthusiasm for the up-coming Spice Girls reunion tour, but lets get real here.
The Spice Girls came onto the scene in 1996, the same year that Bill Clinton got re-elected to the presidency, Dolly the Sheep became the first mammal ever successfully cloned and I discovered commercial lube and it's usefulness in masturbation.
It was also my freshman year in high school when I KNEW that I was gay and would ALWAYS be gay. This time was special because not only are you dealing with all the joyful/scary shit that comes with being 15 but, as a homo, you are having one of your first (if any) major existential crisis's. This is usually the very first point where LGBTQ people either choose to recognize and embrace their unique sexuality or live their lives with a certain degree of denial, shame and self loathing.
THANK GOD I embraced the Spice Girls and all they stood for! Their brazen unabashed femininity was always backed up with a ball-busting sense of pride in the knowledge that they could do WHATEVER and be WHOEVER they wanted to be. I would walk down the hall thinking I was the cool, calm and collected Posh Spice and suddenly become impervious to the insults and snickering. Some of my best memories are dancing with the hot black girls at school dances to 'Say You'll Be There', winning 3rd place in the Women's History Month essay contest for writing about Victoria 'Posh Spice' Beckham and making out for the first time (!!!) to '2 Become 1.'
So yeah, I am a LITTLE fucking EXCITED about their reunion tour and in order to commemorate this miracle of life I give you:
The Spice Girls, a Retrospective on their Lives AFTER Spice.
Lets start with my favorite, Victoria Beckham:
'This Groove'
This was one of Vicky's last singles...her anthem to phone sex...with DAVID BECKHAM...a little bit on the cheesy side, but come on! She's sooo hot with her horse-hair extensions, am I right?
Her first solo-single, 'Out of Your Mind'
GOD I used to LOVE this song. At the time of it's release, the two-step garage sound was JUST making the scene and Posh helped bring it to the forefront with this song. I used to play it all the time while I was rolling around with my homies in Charlotte NC, attending what passed in those days as 'raves.'
Emma 'Baby Spice' Bunton
'Free Me'
Hot sex on a frickin' platter just to make you sweat! Instead of 'Free Me' this song should have been titled 'Free Me from the Love Shackles that You Earlier Bound Me With and Make Sweet Love to Me Whilst I Sip a Martini, Shaken not stirred.' So hot.
'Maybe'
Baby's brilliant homage to the avant garde world of Britain in the swinging sixties.
Melanie 'Scary Spice' Brown
'Feel So Good'
This song was my HOT JAM of '99, my senior year. I was living away from home at NCSA, I was having my first experiences with sex, my first real boyfriend, booze and other mood enhancers. Let's just say I was 'Feeling Good' in more than one way.
Melanie 'Sporty Spice' Chisholm
'When You're Gone'
Sporty was always the most lesbiatronic of them all wasn't she? Trust her to do a rock-pop song a la Sheryl Crow (who says she is NOT queer but I believe has AT LEAST had some drunken female gropage.) Oh, and further adding to the queerostiy of this vid is Bryan Adams pretending to be Mel's love interest and wearing an inappropiate amount of eye-liner.
Geri 'Ginger Spice' Halliwell
'It's Raining Men'
True story. One night I came home to hear this song BLARING from my father's bedroom. I went in to turn it off and he was asleep on his bed...listening to the 'Bridget Jones Diary Soundtrack'...which had this little audio gem on it. And they say faggotry isn't hereditary!
It's such a shame that all of these (save Sporty's song) never even made it to the American shores, but hey, we already had Britney to count on for a few cheap laughs and a couple of cheap hooks.
